Air Force maintenance

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem:"Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem:"Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem:"DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem:"Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem:"Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem:"IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem:"Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem:"Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

And these ones are reputed to be from QANTAS.

Problem: "The problem logged by the pilot."
Solution: "The solution and action taken by the engineers."

Problem: "No.2 propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution: "No. 2 propeller seepage normal. No 1,3 & 4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "Suspected crack in windscreen."
Solution: "Suspect you're right."

Problem: "Aircraft handles funny."
Solution: "Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious."

Problem: "Target radar hums."
Solution: "Reprogrammed target radar with words."

Problem: "Mouse in cockpit."
Solution: "Cat installed"


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