Deep Thoughts (by Jack Handey)

Some time back I received by email a collection of Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey and put them on this page. I recently discovered that these were not the usual anonymous (or nearly so) jokes that circulate on the net, but were copyright and taken from Jack Handey's books. Consequently, I've removed most of them from this page and just left a few of my favourites to give you a flavour. Look for his books on Amazon...

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would think that "fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.

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