If Cars Were Like Computers


HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I can get in through the driver's side door just fine, but
	   I can't open the passenger's side."
HelpLine: "How did you try to open the passenger's side?"
Customer: "I pulled up on the handle, just like on the other side."
HelpLine: "People are always making that mistake.  You have to push on
	   the passenger's side.  Remember, you're always moving the
	   handle toward the left of the car.  It's more consistent
	   that way."

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "How do I turn my windshield wipers on?"
HelpLine: "There's a little button on the radio console . . ."
Customer: "Radio console??"
HelpLine: "Yes, it's more efficient to have all the controls in one
	   central position.  Look for the one with a shape like a
	   piece of pie on it."
Customer: "And that's the windshield wiper button?  I was always
	   wondering what that did."
HelpLine: "People are always asking that.  You'd think they'd be more
	   familiar with the principles of graphic design."

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car will go forward, but when I put it in reverse,
	   nothing happens."
HelpLine: "What model do you have?"
Customer: "It's a brand new 1994 Mongoose."
HelpLine: "Yes, but it is a 1994R with a big R or 1994r with a small r?"
Customer: "I don't know.  Let me find out and I'll call you back."
HelpLine: "Alright, but let me tell you you've probably got the small
	   r model.  You'll need to upgrade to the big R version to go in
	   reverse."

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I just called about the car that wouldn't go in reverse."
HelpLine: "Well, yes, we get a lot of calls about that."
Customer: "It turns out I have the small r model.  But I bought the
	   one with the 'Reverse gear option'."
HelpLine: "Yes, that's the option to upgrade to a reverse gear."
Customer: "Why don't they all just come with a reverse gear in the
	   first place?"
HelpLine: "Well, that's very difficult to do, even for our world-class
	   engineers, and not everyone may want it.  Also, it makes
	   the car more complicated to drive.  So we offer it as an
	   option to our 'power drivers'."
Customer: "How come all the Jupiters have had it standard since 1974?"
HelpLine" "Ahem.  Well, yes, they're not a market leader, they're just
	   for people who really like working on cars.  If you really
	   want to get involved in those kind complicated details, go
	   right ahead . . ."

But really, we're leaving out an important part:

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car just caught fire."
HelpLine: "I see.  And what model was it?"
Customer: "1994r Mongoose."
HelpLine: "Big or small . . ."
Customer: " . . . small r."
HelpLine: "And your registration number?"
Customer: "426917-woof-271828-arf-314159-spam."
HelpLine: "And where did you buy your car?"
Customer: "Fast Eddie's Sports-o-rama in Glendale."
HelpLine: "And what was the name of the salesman?"
Customer: "I don't remember."
HelpLine: "I see.  Are you sure you didn't steal this car?"
Customer: "Of course I didn't steal it!"
HelpLine: "And would you be interested in purchasing our extended
	  service contract?"
dmh@tss.com (David Hull)
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